Who likes not knowing? waiting?....I don't!
Unknown...is a word I really don't like. When we know, we can plan, we can do something, we can prevent, we can decide. I like action points. Being still is not my thing at all. Yet, I have been in the same place about my health since 2020.
In November of 2020, while still in the middle of a global pandemic in Peru, I went to get an abdominal ultrasound so that I can get my gall bladder removed. I had gall bladder stones diagnosed in 2017. One night I came back from a mission's workshop, and I fell on the floor of the pain. Didn't have insurance then, we were getting ready to go on missions. I couldn't stop. I didn't want to. Our family was in the middle of leaving, packing, selling, working full time, saving money, raising Maclau, paying bills still every month, and raising support for the next steps.
They put me on medication, strict diet, and said I needed to get it removed but was not urgent. Pass forward to 2020, I had insurance now and finally they were doing surgeries again after Covid had slowed down.
It was Maclau's birthday weekend. She was about to turn 8 and we were planning a Star Wars Party. I went to get the ultrasound while Luis and Maclau got party supplies. The doctor looked at all my belly and stopped for a while in the middle. I saw his face; I know that look. I have spent too much time in hospitals. Something was not right. I asked and he said: "There is a nodule in the pancreas" (ok...). I said, like a cyst ? He said, no, it looks solid. (not good...) He said he recommended me to get a CT scan to clarify the findings. But he was worried. I was in shock. Luis and Maclau were standing, looking at me, and I just couldn't believe it. What now? Having gone through my dad's cancer triggered all the emotions, fears and worry inside of me. I felt a storm inside my soul.... huge waves of fear.
Got a CT scan the next day, thanks to a wonderful GI doctor, friend of ours. They said results will be the next day. All I had to do was wait. Tomorrow, we will know. But today, there is still life happening. It's Maclau's birthday party. How do you move on with life when something like that is floating over you? How can I smile? How do I face this? All I wanted to do was to cry and cry. I was scared like I have never been in my life. Can we choose joy? This is when everything we read in the Bible, God's promises become real, or you are done. I can't explain it, but I celebrated Maclau's birthday, said hello to friends who had no idea what was going on inside of me and did my best to enjoy the day. (very hard thing to do!)
Nights are the hardest. Praying and crying and talking to God. Lots of things going through my mind and heart. Somehow, little things didn't matter anymore. Difficult situations bring us to different dimensions of perspective.
CT scan results were sent to me the next day. Waiting for them is the worst feeling I can describe. CT scan was inconclusive and recommended an MRI to the pancreas to clarify. After an ordeal of requesting it, MRI not working in the hospital, and more waiting (and more money), I had an MRI done. Still, no definite findings. Basically, they can't say what it looks like. Scheduled an appointment with a GI specialist. Waited for an appointment and showed the doctor all the results. The doctor said that I was a rare case, because my pancreas is about 40% of what it should be. The pancreas has a head, body and tail. I am missing the body and tail. The head has increased its size, and the nodule is at the neck. I have Agenesis of the dorsal pancreas. If you google it, it says it is extremely rare. The doctor said: You are special! (not the kind of special I would like to be...but ok) He ordered a EUS biopsy. I didn't stop to think about what this procedure was, I just wanted them to do something so that we can all know what it is.
The EUS biopsy of the pancreas is a delicate procedure. (I didn't know) Only a few doctors in Peru do it, and only at the big hospitals. A doctor goes through the mouth with a tube and then sees the inside and pokes the nodule, through the stomach wall, to take a sample. They sedated me, but I was awake. They don't put you under for these procedures in my country. After a terrible experience, woke up on a wheelchair by myself in a room full of stuff, like a storage area with mops. I tried to walk, and the nurse came to hold me and got mad at me for standing up. A month later I went to pick up my results. We are still in the middle of Covid-19 and in lockdown, so I am doing all the appointments by myself. (so sad...) I got the results....."sample too small, inconclusive. Repeat procedure". (What?!) I tried to find out if I could do it in a private clinic (not at the hospital). The cost was $3500 USD. I cried. Then I cried more. No money to do it, no results, our plans to go back to missions still on hold, unable to move on with our lives. Despair. More Tears.
I got another EUS biopsy. This time the nurse was already angry at 7 am and blew up my vein with the line because she pushed the medicine too fast, too rough. I was still very awake when the nurse told the doctor to begin. The doctor said she is not asleep. So, she held me down and said to go. Tears. Panic. Gagging. Horror. I couldn't take it anymore, I passed out. I woke up on a bed this time. Doctor was typing and looking at me every once in a while. It turns out they feared they might have perforated my stomach and took me to x-rays looking for hemorrhage. I bled. They were keeping me there for observation. I went home to recover. A month later, got results from pathology. "Sample too small". What do you do?
It had been 2 months since they saw a 10mm nodule in my pancreas. They can see it and touch it. No one knows what it is. Every night I thought about my life, what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, my family. I spent Christmas and New Year's not knowing if I had something that was deadly. I just didn't know. In light of the possibilities, things that I thought were big issues, are not anymore. If you are healthy and breathing, anything can be worked out. Other things that used to bug me looked silly now.
The doctor then told me to just monitor it, every year. If it grows, then they will re asses. Am I ok with not knowing and move forward? Can I continue to live my life in the unknown?
Every year since then I have had an MRI and waited for results. Every MRI after that last poke has come back negative. They can't see anything.
Fear can be paralyzing. Hardship opens up our eyes to what matters. Uncertainty can still steal peace and joy. But I can tell you that life can go on, with peace and hope for the future when the soul is too tired to keep holding on to control. I had to give that up. It was between living by fear or living by faith. One is stressful and one is peaceful.
I trust a loving Father, and what comes will come and my stressing out won't delay or change any circumstance. My God and Good shepherd know my today and my tomorrow, and I had to let my worry down every day, to choose to live the day with hope and love around me.
I lived words like, "the joy of the Lord is my strength", "because He lives, I can face tomorrow" and all the things we so easily sing and pray. It is a hard lesson to walk out day after day. But it is possible to have peace in the middle of the storm. It is possible to enjoy the little things in life with gratefulness in the middle of uncertainty. We took family photos! We enjoyed each other. My family was around me and friends were praying for me.
I often thought about Jesus calming the storm and the disciples in a corner scared for their lives. I was one of the disciples. Waking up Jesus every three minutes to calm down the storm, but the storm kept going. What can you do? I held on tight to the one who was in control and was peace...Jesus himself.
I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord watches over you— the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. Psalm 121
If you are facing unknowns, and your comfort zone is knowing, breathe in. I hug you. I understand. It is ok to struggle, to go back and forth between despair and faith.
It is possible to keep going, even not knowing, slowing down, taking the time to appreciate the new perspective, opening your eyes and ears to new dimensions of God's love and blessings. It is possible to be still and know that He is God. (Hard to do! but possible) The All-knowing God of the Universe is in control, and He loves you and is for you always. That is all I need to know. It sustained me and it sustains me still each day.
My dad died of cancer when I was 21. I know what cancer does to a loved one and those around them. My dad lived with faith and hope. His favorite verse was Psalm 23. "The Lord is my shepherd". When I don't know where I am going or how long until the next stop, I can trust the good shepherd. The Lord is with me, and He watches over my life. Even if I don't know. God does and I can rest.
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